Alert One!

Traditional mummers plays always feature a battle, a death or two, and a resurrection. Stock characters are a hero, often Saint George, a villain, Turkey Snipe (or Turkish Knight, or Dragon), a much-traveled and boasting Doctor who administers a magic potion, and other lesser characters: Little Devil Doubt, Giant Blunderbore, TwingTwang, Hobby Horse, etc. There is often much ad-libbing social comment - so this fits right into the tradition.

Saint George W.
        A Mummers Play
        Adapted and Illustrated by William L. Brown

Act I: Two Saints and No Dragon

Devil Doubt:In comes I, Little Devil Doubt
Give me your attention or I'll sweep you all out!
If you want reassurance, if certainty you crave,
You're in the wrong place, I'll sweep you to your grave!

Father Election: In comes I, Old Father Election, 
     welcome or welcome not,
I hope Old Father Election will never be forgot.
Now in this place there shall be shown
the dreadfullest battle that was ever known.

Saint George and Saint Al: [simultaneously]:
In comes I Saint George/Al, a centrist candidate bold
With my tax cut/social security plan I've won many 
     contributions of gold.
I bravely chose the middle road, and molested no-one's daughter,
If you want a MacPresident, then vote for me, you oughter.
Is there a man stands in this land,
Who is closer to the center than this man am?

Father Election: But I know, there stands without,
A man to beat both, without a doubt.

Turkey Bill: In comes I bold Turkey Bill.
If only laws allowed me to be a candidate still
A win in this election for me would be a breeze,
I could beat the pair of you with my pants around my knees.
But battle to battle you and he must play,
To see who on this ground shall lay.

Saint George and Saint Al:Go and cut your funny dance,
Against me the other stands no chance.
So I prepare my sword to fight,
Satisfaction I shall have before we go tonight.

[they fight each other, but neither falls]

Devil Doubt:The foe is vanquished, without a doubt,
Saint George has swept the fellow out!

Saint George: I did? Er, yes, I did, I cut him down,
Sir, kindly fall upon the ground.

Saint Al:  I see no spot from which I bleed,
Yet, if you say so, I'll concede.
[falls down]

Father Election: Oh Dear Oh Dear what have you . . . .

Devil Doubt:OOPS! Beg your pardon! My mistake!
Saint Al instead the spoils doth take!

Saint George:Now just a ding dong minute here!

Saint Al: Thank you, thank you! Now sir, your turn,
Lie down and grovel like a worm!

Devil Doubt:Or, . . . maybe not! It's hard to say!
Who's won the fight this doubtful day.

Father Election: Speed thyself, thou Devil Doubt,
The Doctor, Twing Twang, Blunderbore, Little-Man-Jack,
The Dragon, and the Hobby Horse stand without!

Doctor: [impatiently shaking bottle of magic potion]

Devil Doubt:[to audience] Let's Doubt remove,
     you voters all,
And cast your votes most free
If you like democracy, I'll give it unto thee,
Hands up, hands up, which one shall die?
Cast your votes for your hero, by ballot butterfly
All those in favor of Saint Al, raise your hand . . . ,
    [audience votes]
Now those who say Saint George is the man . . . . !
    [audience votes]
Right! The vote is for George! George, you must flop down
And com-mence bleeding on the ground.

All: NO! NO!

Father Election: The vote, you fool, was for the winner
Now, hurry up, it's time for dinner!

Devil Doubt:Oh, dear, oh dear, I am confused.
Let's start again! Apologies profuse!
Those for Al your left hand raise, 
     and hop upon your good right leg!
If George be your man, your right hand lift, and hop upon 
     your left-hand peg.

Father Election: Oh for land's sake, 
     we'll be here 'til Christmas!
Can't you hurry up this business?

Devil Doubt:I've got the hand count, but the leg count is hard,
Many votes, I'm afraid, we'll have to discard.
Some voted for Al with their left hands in sight,
But, they hopped on the left leg instead of their right

Saint Al: Not fair! What injustice! 
     To the courts I make my plea!
My legal staff, you dirty dog, will win this fight for me!

Father Election: Awful that will be, I'm sure, 
     the stuff will start to fly,
Lawyers soon will turn the truth into a mince meat pie.

Devil Doubt:A huge success for me this year! 
     I've tipped the play upon it's head,
No saint has been the victor, it's Little Devil Doubt, instead!

Doctor: I've been to Italy, Spitaly, Germany, France and Spain,
Three times round and . . .

Father Election:  Relax, Doctor, the time ripeneth not. 
      No champion didst we get.
So no ambassadors will be named today, keep thy resume yet.

[all exit in confusion]

Act II - click here 



© 2000, Wm. L. Brown, (include this line if forwarding, please)

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